My faux pas at the Arclight with Wes

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and I miss it.  Maybe I should just set up some blog other than myspace?  What do you think?

 

I kissed Mel Brooks!

If you don’t know, I joined a really great theatre company in Hollywood.  The owner has great connections and they bring in a lot of celebrities for different productions.  The show that just opened is directed by Paul Mazursky and starring Richard Kind and Hamish Linklater.  It’s excellent.

Anyway!  After the opening night, there’s always a reception upstairs in the ballroom.  So I’m there with some other company members…we mainly go for the free food and booze.

But Mel Brooks is there!  Actually he sat two seats behind me during the show and I kept getting distracted by thoughts of Spaceballs.

So upstairs I tell Richard he’s awesome.  As I approach Hamish at the food table, he suddenly turns to talk to someone so I said excuse me and reached for a strawberry.  Lori was laughing from several feet away, but I think it was pretty smooth.  We later had a chance to tell him we enjoyed it.  Actually I think he’s phenomenal, but I didn’t gush too much when I spoke to him.

Gary (theatre owner) introduces me to Paul Ben Victor (who was amazing in the last show) and Dan Lauria.  The dad from Wonder Years!!! Very cool.  But how can I talk to Mel?!!  So my friend Lori and I proceed to stalk him, just waiting for the moment he’ll be alone…

Now’s our chance!

“Hi Mr. Brooks.”  (I hold out my hand)  He shakes it says hello.  Ok, so at this point I don’t have any idea what I wanted to say when I got here, but I’m here so think fast!  “I just want to tell you I think you’re incredible.”  He says, “Awww, give me a kiss.” and points to his cheek.  Of course I comply.  He then pats me on my cheek and says, “ya got good taste.”

AH!!!!!!

I think I’ve been blessed by comedic genius.  Good things are in store my friends!

My first paid on-camera job

So, I actually got a paid on-camera job!  It’s Mystery ER on discovery health. 

Anyway, so my call time is 2:40.  Great!  I’ve got the morning to relax, get ready, go for a hike, etc.  The day’s going well.  I got up, had a good breakfast, and changed to go for my hike.  Then I get a call from Aetna (my 5th call) wanting to ask me more questions about my diabetes.  Listen to me Aetna people, for the 100th time…I DO NOT HAVE DIABETES!!!!

So obviously I’m pissed.  And you know me, I can get a little frazzled and absent-minded when I’m pissed.  I’m trying to get out the door while on the phone with this woman.  Grab my stuff: water, iPod, lock the door, close the door…no keys.  People of Aetna…this is your fault, I blame you, don’t call me.

So there I am, sitting on my front balcony, dirty, sweating, wearing a SPORTS BRA, haven’t showered, can’t drive my car, and everything I need for the shoot is in my room. 

Ok, stay calm.

Can’t call roommates.  Shawn is in London and Adrian’s at work all the way in Santa Monica.

I know!  I did this about a week ago (another time I was on the phone with Aetna) and my neighbor broke in for me with a credit card.  Note to self, use deadbolt.

Ok, so I just need a credit card.  My neighbor downstairs loans me his Vons card (Tom Thumb for you Texas folk) and I proceed to cut my finger and destroy his card.  I am NOT a good criminal.  Call the landlord.  “Sorry, I’m in Hollywood and won’t be back in the valley until 4, I suggest you call your roommates).  Thanks asshole, I didn’t think of that. 

Fine, I’ll call a locksmith.  First one is $85.  Second one is $39.50 + labor, so that’s gonna be what?  $110?  And it’ll be 30+ min. 

By this time, the hike is out of the question and I definitely need to be getting in the shower.

What we need is a ladder.  So I try the house next door.  It’s an invalid old couple and their caretaker is a woman who barely speaks English.  After a nice game of charades, she invites me to the backyard where “cue music” there is a ladder!

After promising to return it right away, I then knock on the downstairs neighbor with ladder in tow.  He lets me bring it through his apt., out into the back fence area, (which I guess you could say we share as a backyard), and I climb over my balcony into my bedroom.  I cannot tell you the elation I felt at that moment.

Return the ladder, thank the neighbor, return destroyed Vons card, 30sec. shower, and out the door with time to stop for an iced tea and some tampons.

Filming went great. 

Never fear

So I was reading over my past blogs and noticed the several I posted about gas prices??? Folks, rest easy. I think we have nothing to fear at this point…unless you count poverty.

PS.

I would like to point out that gas has risen over $2 in the past year and a half. Anyone pissed?  Just me?

My week in little Mexico (that’s what Adrian called it)

First of all, I will not hesitate to say that I’m not the biggest fan of middle school children.  I hated it when I experienced it and it’s not any better as an adult. And can anyone tell me what a “skonka” is?  I’m just curious. 

Day 1- wasn’t so bad as we were just getting used to one another.

Day 2-someone stole the seating chart.  I guess they thought it would prevent me from knowing their names and being able to take roll.  Unfortunately for them, I’m smarter than that.  I just made a new one.   Teachers always remember the bad kids.  Idiots.

Day 3-they slammed a pen in the door and tried to lock me in the room

Day 4-one kid named Jesus, aka Chewy was totally high and I truly enjoyed his paranoia 

Day 5-left Wendy a voice mail during my lunch, which she later told me I used the words “mother fucker” 6 times and I don’t usually talk like that.

Okay, so they’re not all bad.  Some of them are really cute and sweet and asked me to be their teacher.  My favortie kids were actually the ESL kids.  If you don’t know what that means, it’s English Second Language.  They can barely speak English.  But the others! A lot of them are mean, hateful, gang-bangers, and I couldn’t wait to be finished.  They also whine A LOT and smell bad (ugh, puberty blows!) and I came home everyday asking Adrian if I sounded like I had a Spanish accent.  He said it was just in my head.

For Wendy
Category: Life

First of all, there is something all of you should know.  87% of my “myspaceing” is for the sole purpose of making Wendy laugh.  Not a “huh, that’s funny,” but a full-bodied, hearty laugh.  That is why I MySpace.

1. 

Jenny-Cool ’60′s rock fireplace                                                            

Wendy-No cool ’60′s rock fireplace

2. 

J- Can sit on balcony in beautiful weather and see 4 pools     

 W-No balcony, no pools, apocolyptic weather

3.

J-Has a cool Mexican donkey on her fridge

W-no donkey

4.

J-able to upload, download, and connect to the world in an instant

W-has a save-box

Margaret Cho’s ‘giner

This listed under Featured Comedy!

Margaret Cho:

Margaret Cho is one of the most prolific and critically acclaimed comedians of our time, launching sold-out national tours, turning each into a concert film. Check her out on MySpace Comedy!

The last time I “checked her out” I got a little more than I bargained for.  No thanks.  I’ll pass.

Count down

It’s officially less than 90 days until I leave for LA!
So much to do.  So little time!  AAGGGHHHH!

The Audacity of Long Winded Writers!

Everyone has been talking about the new face of the Democratic Party, Barack Obama.  I figured, in my efforts to always see both sides, I’d go pick up his new book and see what all the hype was about.  It’s a national bestseller and supposedly an excellent read.  So I settle in to read my new book with much anticipation.  I simply can’t wait to see what this man has to say!  Hmm…so far I’m enjoying it, but the chapters are really long.  Maybe I’m just tired.  Okay, I won’t read it before bed…. Wow, it’s a little wordy.  I can’t seem to find a good stopping place….Ughhh, he’s so long winded.  I need a break!  Let’s see what Running With Scissors is about.  A chapter titled, “Masturbation.”  Awesome.  Barack, you’ll have to wait.

 

 

For people who don’t have kids!

Okay, so everybody knows I’m a teacher right and every year with my students we adopt two families for Christmas.  They provide us with clothing and shoe sizes and a toy that they want.  Cool right?  Yeah, except that there was six of them and money was tight so where do I have to go?  That’s right!  Hell.  Otherwise known as Wal-Mart.  So I’ve got all the clothes and shoes covered and I’ve saved the most painful part for last…the toy aisle.  I look at my list and I’ve got two bikes, monster trucks, and three anythings.  Great.  I’m alone.  How the hell am I supposed to get all this crap plus two bikes out of the store and where do I find monster trucks?  So I ask the clerk?  “Can you direct me to monster trucks?”  She replies, “Do you want RC or regular?”  I stare at her blankly having no clue what RC means.  Awaiting further explanation I say, “Ma’am, I’m just doing this for adopt-a-family.  I have no kids.  I need you to talk to me like I’m stupid.”  She laughs and explains that RC means remote control.  I cut her off, “that sounds expensive, I’ll take regular.”  She directs me where to find them and off I go.  Then I find myself in the midst of action figure/hot wheels hell.  I am surrounded by moms and carts and kids grabbing things and shelves full of movable plastic parts.  I’m sure a little boys dream.  After wandering, dazed for a few moments I made a grand announcement in the middle of the aisle.  “Can someone help me with monster trucks?”  Three moms turned and looked at me.  I said, “I don’t have kids.”  One smiled and said, “I’ll help you.”  “Thanks, I replied.”  And then because I’m a binge shopper I wanted to buy every monster truck I could get my hands on, but settled for the grave digger.  They’re really kinda cool.
So after the monster trucks I was out of time and over-whelmed and decided to bail.  I returned to a different Wal-Mart to finish up the next day and it wasn’t near as bad.  I was able to obtain my two bikes, a weebles castle, and several star wars transformers which I picked out myself without a scratch!
Merry Christmas!

Blogging is stupid
Category: Blogging

I’m sitting here staring at my blog (which, whoever came up with that word) thinking about the fact that I have nothing to blog, and the fact that I think blogging is stupid.  I was going to write about Margaret Cho’s ‘giner, and the fact that that image is forever burned in my brain, but that happened over a week ago so it seems pointless now…
oh, well, I guess if you’re interested keep reading.
I was visiting Shana in LA and we went to see Margaret Cho at what was described as the “must see” comedy burlesque show.  We saw a belly dancer, a comedic magician, and a couple other bits (pretty decent), then the evening goes horribly off-course.  Out comes a very large woman in feathers and pasties who strips down to flash us her garden-hose hooters, while clomping around in plastic platform heels.  Then another treat of a similar variety.  Oh…when will it end?!  Then MC comes out, oh good, back to the comedy, right?  Nope!  She too gives us a strippy treat.  All the way down to pasties and lace panties that are all twisted up so we can see her vagina when she walks.  WHAT IS GOING ON!!??? 
Thank you for burning my retina’s and charging me $12 cover + $10 for a crappy drink!
Awesome.

Rest Easy folks!

Gas went back up to $1.96.  Don’t know what is going on!?  It’s the weekend though, so I wouldn’t call off the meeting with the lawyers just yet.
This message brought to you by Debbie Downer

Weight loss!

Okay, so I’ve been working my butt off, right?
I’ve lost 1/2″-1″ all over the place, but most importantly in my arms in the past two weeks! 

Gas update .2: call your lawyer

So gas is now $1.89.  I’d begin getting your affairs in order…just a suggestion.  You never know what’s gonna happen.  Anyone ever seen Night of the Comet? It could happen.
Debbie Downer signing off…

$1.92

That’s all I have to say.

Speaking of Korea…

So Wendy and Jenny have ordered chinese food and are about to settle in to watch some much anticipated Project Runway.  The doorbell rings and it’s the chinese food delivery guy. Jenny opens the door, smiles and greets him while taking the food from his hands.  He, of some Asian desent, not necessarily Chinese but with a very thick accent, says, “So what do you think of Korea pointing nuclear weapons at us?”
Jenny’s jaw drops and immediately bursts into a sort of manic laughter. (This seems odd to Wendy so she enters from the other room to investigate.)
Jenny is stunned.  She stutters…”I…I…I…I think it’s aweful.”
Chinese food guy:  “You think it’s aweful that they have nuclear weapons or that they point them at us?”
Jenny:  “I…I…all of it.  The whole thing.  It all sucks.  I don’t think anyone should have nuclear weapons.”  (Jenny’s mind:  dude, you’re crazy, just take my money and leave please.)
Wendy arrives. “Hi.”
Chinese food guy:  “Hello.” (Jenny is signing credit card slip. Wendy thinks everything is okay, takes the food and retreats to kitchen)
Jenny:  “So do you ask all your deliveries this?”
Chinese food guy:  “No.  Just when they open door, whatever come to mind…that what I say.”
Jenny:  “So I opened the door and nuclear weapons came to mind?
Chinese food guy:  “Yes.”
Jenny:  “Great, well, good night.”
Chinese food guy: “Bye bye.”

Gas update

So it’s down to $1.95 now.  What exactly is going on!!!!?
Korea is pointing nuclear weapons at us and gas is $1.95.  Okay, so if it gets anywhere near $1.50 you better buy your batteries, your plywood, your water, and your propane tanks and whatever else the crazies always clean out of Wal-mart.  If we get anywere near $1.00, hit the nuclear fallout shelter, do it for your country, and kiss your ass good-bye cuz the world is coming to an end!
This message brought to you by debbie downer.

Gas

Gas is $1.99.  What the h-e-double hockey sticks?  I mean, I’m not complaining.  Obviously, I’m thrilled that when I go to fill up my gas guzzling SUV that I bought like a moron but I love non the less, I no longer surpass $50, even $40 for that matter!  But seriously, what’s going on!  I’m not normally a pessimist, but something bad is going to happen…this is too good to be true.
This uplifting message was brought to you by Debbie Downer.